Thoughts and Feelings

Written on

October 19, 2018

I got off the phone and could feel the lump in my throat rising. The hot tears began to sting my eyes. I did not want to cry.

My head knew that God was in control, He would provide and His timing was always perfect. But my tears revealed the reality of what had happened in my heart.

I had slowly but ever-so-surely in my inmost being taken back control of what I would have professed with my mouth that I had given to God, claimed was His and thought I had entrusted to Him.

In the grand scheme of life, the situation was far from life-threatening or even life-altering, but the tears that spilled down my cheeks and my cracking voice revealed so much more. Their presence revealed my true lack of faith and how I had begun trusting in my own abilities at some point. At some point my sinful pride had entered into the equation and the unexpected phone call was God’s gracious way of waking me up to its presence.

He could have allowed me to go on that way – thinking that I had everything under control and I was handling things oh-so-well and I was providing. But He didn’t. He intervened. He exposed my sin.

The exposure was private. He didn’t want to shame me publicly. He DID want to wake me to the unintentional place I was in. He loves like that – not wanting me to remain in the darkness but to use the light to show me where He is working. (Had I proceeded in the way I was and not acknowledged my sin, HIs next “wake-up call” to me may have been more public. He loves me THAT much. He will do the hard things.)

That day my tears of frustration melted into tears of embarrassment and then tears of confession.

Unknowingly, I had accepted and adopted these sinful tendencies. My mind still knew all the “right” words and thoughts, but my heart was far from actually believing and walking in them. My emotions that Friday afternoon were the barometer that God used to show me how far my heart had wandered from what I thought . . .

His restoration was sweet and His reconciliation to Himself was simply good.

In the days that followed, I was able to rest. He gently told my soul, “This is mine. I have always had it. I will take care of it.”  I was able to leave it in His more-than-capable hands. He continued to be faithful. I turned my attention to my family. He blessed our time together and allowed me to go through the week without worry.

It’s been two weeks today since I got that phone call. This issue is not resolved, but He is providing. My prayer life and my perspective are changed. My faith is growing. He is more than sufficient. And I am learning even more about abiding in Him . . .

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